is True Love?
do you just like or love?)
Many times here at CenterWeb we get asked
the same question "how do I get someone to date me", or "I really
like someone...". Sure, we can give advice about it and what people
might be able to do, but a lot of the time I get the feeling that
people don't really know what love actually is...
grew up, and like all young kids, fancied a few girls. That's normal:
when you're about 10 it all seems very alien and everyone thinks
it's very funny if a guy talks to a girl. Then as I got older I
began to think about things more seriously. Once or twice I met
girls which I thought I liked... Now when I say "liked", it was
the feeling that I was really embarrassed to talk to them, because
I didn't want to look like an idiot in front of them... Everyone
knows that feeling. You're never quite sure what to say, and things
always seem to go wrong when you're with them and trying to impress
them. Well, I never told any of them about my fancying them, so
that was that. I grew a bit older and started to like a girl who
I'd known for some years, but had never really paid much attention
to. That was hard. Over the 4 years that I liked her I was always
trying to be with her and yet I never talked to her (too scared!),
never went out with her, even sometimes avoided her! OK, this is
a bit of a special case: few people go this far liking someone and
then not saying anything. But anyway... one time someone got to
hear about how I liked her and it was spread all over the school.
That was hard on me, and I guess it was hard on her too. Well, that
died down, but I still liked her. Very few people know what months
of this are like: always wondering about how to tell her, what she
would say... I never did. Then someone got to hear about it all
again, and her best friend got to know and told her. In the end
she called me and told me I was pathetic. I don't blame her... ;-).
So then I was left "free" again, not knowing what or who was next,
and wondering about it all. Sure, I was a Christian, so I'd prayed
about it all, and asked God to make it clear what he wanted me to
do. And then that had happened. He'd made it clear, but in a way
I wasn't really expecting!
and Love: At this point I'll interrupt my story to try and let
you know what I'm talking about: my problem was that my "liking"
that girl was nothing like what real love is! When someone gets
a crush on someone else, it's very likely that they've seen them
a couple of times and thinks that they're good looking, and therefore
want to be with them. Many think that they've found love at first
sight. I admit that some people do (I don't know any of them personally),
but for the vast majority that isn't the way things work. For me
the "liking" made me feel lonely, apprehensive, and kept me wondering
all the time. I'm not a naturally timid person, I like to talk to
people, but liking that girl meant that I was so apprehensive that
I wouldn't even talk to her (which kind of negated the point!!).
When you "fall" for someone, think about this: do you actually know
them very well? Are they more than just a friend? Why do you love
isn't about sex. That's a common misconception: many girls have
told me that the reason they will sleep with a guy is to hear them
say, "I love you". The guys therefore say it to get sex. Kind of
sad really. Sex comes as a consequence of intimate love in marriage
(see the article on sex before marriage), and is the highest expression
of love that there can ever be between two people. Love comes from
sharing and caring for each other. True love is not about liking
someone: it's about spending time together, caring about each other,
and telling each other everything because you trust each other.
If you can't trust someone enough to tell something to, when you
think you're in love with them, then it isn't real love. When you
love someone, it's not something that hits you like lightening,
and you go "wow, I really like this guy/girl", but instead you gradually
feel closer to them. If it is true love, then both of you will have
the same love for each other. As I said, love isn't about sex or
appearance, but the person inside, and how much more than just a
friend they are.
what's my point? I don't think that when you think you "like"
someone and they just treat you like a normal friend and nothing
more that you're heading for true love. Bear with me, and read on...
then... Just under a year ago, I was on a Christian team, about
1000 km (600 miles) from home. We were going round doing song and
dance performances, and there were about 60 of us. The tour was
3 weeks long, and I got to know people very well through it. I got
to know two girls particularly well, because I was translating for
them for about 12 hours every day. So I became especially good friends
with them. By the end of the three weeks I was spending a lot of
my time with one of them, because we spoke the same language and
therefore liked to talk together. When we said goodbye, she hugged
me and said "I love you". Well, for most people that would have
been normal: having been together for that amount of time there's
nothing wrong with loving someone as a friend. She went back to
her home about 3 hours plane flight away from mine, and we didn't
really think that we'd got anything special in terms of a relationship
other than we were good friends. Then we found out that in fact
we were in love with each other. It wasn't something that had been
obvious to us, and in fact we were a bit confused near the end of
our time together about how we felt about each other, although neither
of us said anything. So we started e-mailing each other. As it turned
out leaders on the team had begun to think that there was something
between us, although we never let that get in the way of our work.
So... now, 1 and a half years later, we are truly in love with each other,
despite being so far apart. We trust each other above anyone else,
and each of us knows things about the other which we would never
tell anyone else. We're honest with each other: there are no secrets
between us, including stuff that is "bad". Our love is true, and
it will always be growing stronger, day by day.
people would think we were crazy telling each other what we
have, but it's led to a very strong relationship, which is what
is needed. If you can honestly say that you can tell the person
that you like everything, however embarrassing, that you've done,
show them photos of you which you would never dare show anyone else,
and above all care about them, then you have true love. Think about
where does this true love come from? Well, I have to say that
for our relationship it's only been through God that we ever first
met and have been able to keep together ever since. The first time
that we were able to see each other again after that team was 5
months later when I went to stay with her. That meant that the first
time that were "properly" a couple, was also going to be me staying
with her family for 10 days. Believe me, that's pretty daunting,
wondering whether they'll approve, what they'll be like... I got
there and it was absolutely amazing. I really felt part of their
family, accepted. I don't accept that it could be a coincidence:
it was God working to bring both of us together at the time when
we needed each other most, and then allowing our families to not
only accept us, but really like us too. It was the same when she
came to visit my family and me. God was the only way in which this
all could have happened so perfectly. The Bible says that all love
comes from God, and I have a very concrete reason to believe that.
love isn't about liking someone: it's much more. So think twice
when you "like" someone. The chances are that it's not true love.
Instead, wait for the right person, who will eventually come along.
You probably won't realise it at first, and just be friendly with
them. But one day you'll realise it, and if you can really be honest
with each other, then you'll have a strong relationship, which in
the end is what we all want, right? If you just try to make yourself
look different when you see the person you like, then you don't
have a lasting relationship: you have to be able to love someone
wherever and whenever, whether you've just got up in the morning
and look awful, or whether you look absolutely amazing when you're
going out on a date.
it in mind next time you're wondering how to get a boyfriend/girlfriend...